New Year's Resolutions

OK...let me start with the fact that I HATE New Year's Resolutions...what a stupid way to make myself feel like crap next year when I couldn't live up to the lofty goal of losing 40 lbs and becoming a star on Dancing with the Stars (or Project Runway or whatever other crap-tastic reality show I decide I can't stop drooling over this year.) Yes I am the ultimate crappy reality TV junkie...I'm at the point where if someone spent time actually writing a really good story with plot twists and character development...I just can't be bothered... What the heck happened to me? Personally, I blame Maia...after all that's why I had her...so I'd have someone to blame. Just ask her, she'll tell you!

So with that caveat, I'd like to give you a nice list of all the things I'm going to fail at this year!
1) No matter how hard I try, I won't be fitting into my skinny pants...in fact I might be upgrading to a fatter pair of fat pants...I'll let you know!

2) I am not going to beat my addiction to sugar...no matter how many AA meetings I attend...for F---s sake, they serve coffee with sugar and donuts at AA meetings...so how the hell is that supposed to help me with my addiction?

3) I am not going to stop watching crappy reality TV...no matter how crappy it is it's better than sitting here listening to the voices in my head argue about absolutely nothing.

4) I am not going to run a marathon...or a half marathon...or even a 10 K...I hate running...I only do it because it's an excuse to turn the music up really loud...which occasionally drowns out the voices in my head making fun of my musical taste (you would also make fun of my musical taste if you knew what was on my iPod -- everyone always does! Which is why I only listen to it when I am running...because then at least I have a good excuse to run away from all those people making fun of my music.)

5) I am not going to save the world, the whales, the pandas or that little blue butterfly that lives on the hill above South San Francisco and prevents the developers from getting their grubby paws on the land up there and developing it. If all goes well though, I might rescue a few worms from the gutter the next time it rains.

6) I am not going to win volunteer of the year or any other award for changing the lives of at-risk youth! I might manage to volunteer to go surfing with Maia's class in the Spring...but even that seems a bit lofty.

7) I'm not going to represent my Council at the International Girl Scouts anything... because pretty much I doubt my council even knows I exist...and if they do it's only because I annoy them with so much high-risk paperwork. (Is it me or does anyone else find it rather difficult to imagine how paperwork can be high-risk...unless your pen leaks on your shirt...or maybe you get a bad paper cut...)

8) I am not going to be a better person, rise above, or turn the other cheek. I am planning to be petty and small and hold grudges even if the only person who knows about them is me...and especially if the only damage they do is to make me feel lousy :)

9) I am not going to be a better parent, friend, sister, daughter, Girl Scout leader, Aunt, cousin, stepsister or acquaintance. I pretty much gave all I had to give this year...so if that wasn't enough...I guess I'll never live up to your high standards...which makes me feel sad...look, now I am already feeling lousy because of my New Year's resolutions...didn't I tell you that the only point of them was to make me feel bad!

10) I am not going to become a rock star, supermodel, famous actress, Broadway headliner, opera singer, musician of any kind, singer, songwriter, famous author...or any other sort of celebrity...minor or major...if you all are lucky, I might comb my hair occasionally before I go out of the house just in case I'm recognized by the checkout guy at the supermarket that I go to every day to feed my sugar addiction (see resolution #2).

And I think that's about it...hope you all have a happy healthy 2013 and please God let it be better than 2012...for everyone, everywhere!