OK...let me start with the fact that I HATE New Year's Resolutions...what a stupid way to make myself feel like crap next year when I couldn't live up to the lofty goal of losing 40 lbs and becoming a star on Dancing with the Stars (or Project Runway or whatever other crap-tastic reality show I decide I can't stop drooling over this year.) Yes I am the ultimate crappy reality TV junkie...I'm at the point where if someone spent time actually writing a really good story with plot twists and character development...I just can't be bothered... What the heck happened to me? Personally, I blame Maia...after all that's why I had her...so I'd have someone to blame. Just ask her, she'll tell you!
So with that caveat, I'd like to give you a nice list of all the things I'm going to fail at this year!
1) No matter how hard I try, I won't be fitting into my skinny pants...in fact I might be upgrading to a fatter pair of fat pants...I'll let you know!
2) I am not going to beat my addiction to sugar...no matter how many AA meetings I attend...for F---s sake, they serve coffee with sugar and donuts at AA meetings...so how the hell is that supposed to help me with my addiction?
3) I am not going to stop watching crappy reality TV...no matter how crappy it is it's better than sitting here listening to the voices in my head argue about absolutely nothing.
4) I am not going to run a marathon...or a half marathon...or even a 10 K...I hate running...I only do it because it's an excuse to turn the music up really loud...which occasionally drowns out the voices in my head making fun of my musical taste (you would also make fun of my musical taste if you knew what was on my iPod -- everyone always does! Which is why I only listen to it when I am running...because then at least I have a good excuse to run away from all those people making fun of my music.)
5) I am not going to save the world, the whales, the pandas or that little blue butterfly that lives on the hill above South San Francisco and prevents the developers from getting their grubby paws on the land up there and developing it. If all goes well though, I might rescue a few worms from the gutter the next time it rains.
6) I am not going to win volunteer of the year or any other award for changing the lives of at-risk youth! I might manage to volunteer to go surfing with Maia's class in the Spring...but even that seems a bit lofty.
7) I'm not going to represent my Council at the International Girl Scouts anything... because pretty much I doubt my council even knows I exist...and if they do it's only because I annoy them with so much high-risk paperwork. (Is it me or does anyone else find it rather difficult to imagine how paperwork can be high-risk...unless your pen leaks on your shirt...or maybe you get a bad paper cut...)
8) I am not going to be a better person, rise above, or turn the other cheek. I am planning to be petty and small and hold grudges even if the only person who knows about them is me...and especially if the only damage they do is to make me feel lousy :)
9) I am not going to be a better parent, friend, sister, daughter, Girl Scout leader, Aunt, cousin, stepsister or acquaintance. I pretty much gave all I had to give this year...so if that wasn't enough...I guess I'll never live up to your high standards...which makes me feel sad...look, now I am already feeling lousy because of my New Year's resolutions...didn't I tell you that the only point of them was to make me feel bad!
10) I am not going to become a rock star, supermodel, famous actress, Broadway headliner, opera singer, musician of any kind, singer, songwriter, famous author...or any other sort of celebrity...minor or major...if you all are lucky, I might comb my hair occasionally before I go out of the house just in case I'm recognized by the checkout guy at the supermarket that I go to every day to feed my sugar addiction (see resolution #2).
And I think that's about it...hope you all have a happy healthy 2013 and please God let it be better than 2012...for everyone, everywhere!
Monday, December 31, 2012
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Friday, December 7, 2012
So my client asks me to fly to LA and meet with them on Thursday this week...
"Oh (nasty word) what the (nasty word) am I going to wear."
Now I know, all you ladies are with me here. You all feel the same way...but here's the thing. I sweat...a lot...which causes everyone else to say "Oh I know what you mean, I sweat a lot too." But let me just say this once "NO YOU DON'T!!! Unless you have a medical diagnosis you don't know what that means...seriously, Men Glow, Horses Perspire, I SWEAT!!!!" Grown men have walked up to me in clubs and said "Wow, you sweat a lot." People regularly ask me if I just got out of the shower...REGULARLY...not occasionally, not once in a while...all the time!
So when you tell me I'm going to have to get up at 4 am (that makes me sweaty), leave the house in the dark (it's cold and I am wet so now I'm freezing), get on an airplane (it's hot, it's cold, now I'm all clammy), get off the plane (it's cold in the airport, I'm worried it looks like I wet my pants), go to meeting after meeting in hot humid conference rooms (Can they tell I'm nervous? I think so since I just sweat my way through a blouse, a sweater, and a suit jacket in about 10 minutes. On the other hand, I'm not actually nervous...but it sure looks like I am!), leave the rooms go outside where it's freezing cold ("It's nice to meet you Mr. CEO...uh no you don't want to shake my hand, it's icy cold and soaking wet"), only to go back into a different hot steamy conference room...I think you are getting the picture. Basically if I could do that in some sort of high-tech athletic gear that wicks the sweat away I might be OK...but I can't. I have to put on my big girl panties and try to find something that will absorb the "perspiration" without it showing.
Add to this the fact that they don't make pants for girls with no butt. They just don't...and all you ladies with nice juicy round derrierres who whine because you always have to take in the waistband of your pants...(angry nasty word) you...at least it is possible to tailor pants so they fit you...YOU CAN'T take in the butt of your pants and you can't let out the waist!!!! The only place you can buy pants for someone who is square through the middle is the Junior's section...just try to find a pair of slacks for work in the Junior's section...not to mention I am too big to fit in most Junior clothing. I've only ever found 2 pairs of pants that actually look like work pants and also fit me...and when I get too fat for them or they wear out I'm going to have to retire!
So the idea of putting on my big girl panties and spending the day at a client's office in LA is just about as close to my idea of hell as I can get...
But I did it. I pulled myself together, dealt with the insomnia the night before and the meeting new people and the pants that don't fit and the sweating in the conference rooms and the splitting headache from not enough sleep...I wore my big girl panties all day and pretended the 2 hour car ride between their facilities didn't make me car sick and acted like I wasn't desperate to get back in my jammies and take a nap all day long...
And I guess it went OK because at the end of the day they said "Wow this was a great meeting, when can you come back?"
"Oh (nasty word) what the (nasty word) am I going to wear."
Now I know, all you ladies are with me here. You all feel the same way...but here's the thing. I sweat...a lot...which causes everyone else to say "Oh I know what you mean, I sweat a lot too." But let me just say this once "NO YOU DON'T!!! Unless you have a medical diagnosis you don't know what that means...seriously, Men Glow, Horses Perspire, I SWEAT!!!!" Grown men have walked up to me in clubs and said "Wow, you sweat a lot." People regularly ask me if I just got out of the shower...REGULARLY...not occasionally, not once in a while...all the time!
So when you tell me I'm going to have to get up at 4 am (that makes me sweaty), leave the house in the dark (it's cold and I am wet so now I'm freezing), get on an airplane (it's hot, it's cold, now I'm all clammy), get off the plane (it's cold in the airport, I'm worried it looks like I wet my pants), go to meeting after meeting in hot humid conference rooms (Can they tell I'm nervous? I think so since I just sweat my way through a blouse, a sweater, and a suit jacket in about 10 minutes. On the other hand, I'm not actually nervous...but it sure looks like I am!), leave the rooms go outside where it's freezing cold ("It's nice to meet you Mr. CEO...uh no you don't want to shake my hand, it's icy cold and soaking wet"), only to go back into a different hot steamy conference room...I think you are getting the picture. Basically if I could do that in some sort of high-tech athletic gear that wicks the sweat away I might be OK...but I can't. I have to put on my big girl panties and try to find something that will absorb the "perspiration" without it showing.
Add to this the fact that they don't make pants for girls with no butt. They just don't...and all you ladies with nice juicy round derrierres who whine because you always have to take in the waistband of your pants...(angry nasty word) you...at least it is possible to tailor pants so they fit you...YOU CAN'T take in the butt of your pants and you can't let out the waist!!!! The only place you can buy pants for someone who is square through the middle is the Junior's section...just try to find a pair of slacks for work in the Junior's section...not to mention I am too big to fit in most Junior clothing. I've only ever found 2 pairs of pants that actually look like work pants and also fit me...and when I get too fat for them or they wear out I'm going to have to retire!
So the idea of putting on my big girl panties and spending the day at a client's office in LA is just about as close to my idea of hell as I can get...
But I did it. I pulled myself together, dealt with the insomnia the night before and the meeting new people and the pants that don't fit and the sweating in the conference rooms and the splitting headache from not enough sleep...I wore my big girl panties all day and pretended the 2 hour car ride between their facilities didn't make me car sick and acted like I wasn't desperate to get back in my jammies and take a nap all day long...
And I guess it went OK because at the end of the day they said "Wow this was a great meeting, when can you come back?"
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