It's time for lunch...

So I went to my doc this week for a routine check up and she gave me the standard you are getting fatter lecture. And yes it's true I've gained some weight this year (and last year...and the year before if I am honest with myself). I weigh more now than I ever have and I can't fool myself that it is "baby weight" or muscle or any of the million other reasons we give ourselves...I'm just fatter. I just am. My clothes don't fit the way I want them to and I hate getting dressed in the morning.

I've been fighting this battle since I was 13. And make no mistake it is a battle. Every morning I gird my loins with my uniform of t-shirt and baggy hoodies and the same 3 pairs of jeans (and god help me if I needed to wash my jeans because now I need to stretch them out again!). I get out my weapons... the celery sticks and the water with lemon and I pray to the gods of willpower for the strength to get through the 3-5pm slump when my enemy sends in reinforcements in the form of low blood sugar, boredom, and low self esteem.

I start out with good intentions and feeling strong...but then comes the time when I actually have to eat something...and let's face it, we all do...And that is when the PSD comes into play. The voices in my head start screeching and the battle cries of my enemy get louder and louder.
"Oh (nasty words) I'm hungry..."
"What do you want to eat?"
"Cake of course."
"Be serious would you."
"I should eat something healthy...like fruits and vegetables...but I can't eat any fruit..or any beets or potatoes or winter squash or parsnips or root vegetables..."
"Carrots?"
"Carrots are a root vegetable."
"Broccoli?"
"Maybe...but don't put any salt or butter or sauce of any kind on it. And steam it because all other methods add calories or destroy the nutritional value."
"Maybe I could have some protein...protein is good for you."
"OK but don't eat any beans or red meat or cheese or bacon or pork or dark meat from poultry or egg yolks."
"Ummm...chicken breast?"
"OK but only boneless skinless chicken breast and don't eat it fried...or baked or barbecued with any sauce, or pan fried."
"Poached maybe?"
"OK but be careful what you poach it in..."
"What about bread? I love bread."
"You can't have any bread. Bread is for skinny people!"
"Maybe I could have half a...

And usually somewhere about this time Alex says "So what should we have for dinner tomorrow?"

"Oh f-word!!!! I have to eat something tomorrow?!/!?"

My Real Christmas List

Why is it that this time of year we all seem so stressed out...all the time? Why are so many of my friends posting about bad weeks and diving into the Christmas chocolate in a frenzy of stress eating? Why do I feel so overwhelmed by the whole season?

I decided today to do something about it...so here is my list of all the things that matter to me this year.
1) I have an amazing life partner who makes my world better every day.
2) I have a daughter who feels like sunshine to me.
3) I got to go on many adventures this year with people who are fun and wacky and interesting. You all make my life better.
4) I got to wake up this morning...and today I remembered what a gift that is.
5) I spent the year healing from a wide variety of ailments...but I had amazing help, tons of encouragement, and doctors, nurses and PTs who made me better every time I worked with them.
6) I have some really good friends...from some totally unexpected places. I love you guys!
7) I have an extended family that I don't just tolerate. My life is richer because each one of you is in it!
8) I built a little business. Maybe it's not much...but I built it and I'm proud of it...and my daughter sees me as an Entrepreneur because of it. How cool is that?
9) I have enough. Enough money, enough work, enough love in my life...what else could I possibly ask for?
10) Today I do not have a headache. And every day that I do not have a headache is a good day!

Maybe your list is different. Maybe your list includes some things I forgot or is longer or shorter...but I know you have one...and I hope that your list brings you peace this season. I know mine has.

Surfing

I've missed my blog over the last few months so I've decided to start writing it again. I don't have anything profound to say today so I think I'll just go off about whatever is on my mind and hopefully you'll all have patience with me while I get back into the swing :)

OK so I am the world's worst surfer. Seriously I can barely stand up on the sidewalk forget about the tippy board rushing toward the beach at a million miles an hour. But I absolutely love it every time I do it. I love the ocean. I love getting all geared up in the wetsuit. I love that I feel like I am just playing in the waves and I come home bone weary like I've just spent 4 hours in the gym. I especially love that the first time I tried it I was 46 years old... OK I wish I'd done it sooner...but I'm proud to be the nutty old lady who is willing to get out there with the kids and give it a try.

Surfing is my kind of sport. The people who do it are a little odd (and I fit right in with that crowd!), there is absolutely nothing competitive about it...at least on the baby beaches I can surf, and you get to do it in the ocean. It's up there with my all time favorite ways to spend an afternoon...except for one tiny problem.

I have this condition called Reynaud's Phenomenon. It's nothing serious but it means I get colder than most people faster than most people and once I get cold I stay cold. My hands turn white, my lips turn blue, and I can't feel my feet...at all. I look like I have all the symptoms of hypothermia and every surfing instructor I've ever had immediately wants to haul me out of the water and pour hot tea down my throat.

I don't have hypothermia!!! I don't!! Yes I'm cold (and somewhat pathetic looking with my bright blue lips and white fingers). But if I paid attention to my Reynaud's I'd never get to ski or scuba dive or any of a hundred other pastimes that I really enjoy. So please don't make me get out of the water! I want to surf! Because someday I swear to you I'll be able to stand up on that stinking (or should I say sinking) board!

Boy Scout Policy vs Girl Scout Policy

Personally I think both the Boy Scouts and the Girl Scouts have a lot to offer our kids...but I also think both organizations have some seriously nutso policies...Here is how I sum up the differences!

"We want to go climb huge rocks!"
Boy Scouts: Have fun!
Girl Scouts: Fill in this mountain of paperwork first!

"We want to earn a badge!"
Girl Scouts: Have fun!
Boy Scouts: Fill in this mountain of paperwork first!

"We want to shoot things!"
Boy Scouts: Have fun!
Girl Scouts: Not until you are 12 and have filled in this mountain of paperwork first!

"We have a non-traditional family!"
Girl Scouts: We'll take them.
Boy Scouts: Do they violate our morality clause?

"We want to let in a child of the opposite sex!"
Boy Scouts: As long as they are straight and at least 14 go for it!
Girl Scouts: As long as they are transgender go for it!

"We want to let in a gay child."
Girl Scouts: Go for it.
Boy Scouts: Are you sure about that...ummmm...OK...but only after January 1, 2014.

"We have a gay Scout leader."
Girl Scouts: Yes...and?
Boy Scouts: No...actually...you don't!

in defense of the "Bond Girls"

So my troop sponsored a Father Daughter Dance last weekend with a James Bond theme. Needless to say it raised some controversy with my feminist friends. And, while I agree with much of what they think and feel about the portrayal of women in the Bond films, I have to say the whole controversy has made me think about the Bond Girls in a different light. 

I grew up in the let-your-armpit-hair-fly-free, body-odor-is-beautiful Republic of Berkeley...in the 70s. Of course I was a proto-feminist and I bought into all the messages I got about being a strong and independent woman. Now, don't get me wrong, I am incredibly grateful to all the women who paved the way for me to see myself as capable of anything and opened the doors for me to be whatever I want to be. But I also bought into some messages that I believe were not so healthy. Strong women, don't like pink, they don't do anything "girly", they can't be interested in fashion or makeup, and, unless you are a lesbian, any expression of your sexuality is all about men exploiting you. I know there are a lot of feminists who don't believe any of that crap but those were messages I took away from the women's movement without even realizing it. Which brings me to the Bond Girls...

The Bond Girls put on slinky dresses and go out into the world feeling beautiful and sexy and powerful. They own their sexuality and stereotypical femininity in a pretty major way. You (and I) may or may not agree with what they do with that power...but they sure own it. And thinking about it now, I envy them that. We women have worked so hard to open so many doors for ourselves in this brave new world. Do we have to shut the door on feeling beautiful and sexy in order to keep those doors open? Doesn't every woman deserve to experience herself as the most desirable creature in the room at least a few times in her life? To me it's not about men, it's about taking back our own sense of ourselves as sexual beings. It's about the thrill of walking into a room with the confidence those Bond Girls have that any man in the room (or woman if that's your preference) would take you home in a minute. Because if you ask me, the slinky dresses and the stereotypically "beautiful" figures are not what make the Bond Girls hot...it's their absolute confidence in their own sexuality.

And, while yes, I agree, that's not a particularly appropriate message for 8 year olds, I also hope when those girls are 20 they can channel their inner Bond Girl if they choose to... and use her to feel great about their bodies and in charge of their sexuality.

On the other hand, at 8 years old (ish), most of the girls had never seen a Bond film and they just liked the idea of getting dressed up in fancy dresses, shooting rubber band guns at bad guy targets and channeling their inner Secret Agents. Which just reminded me that kids are incredibly good at taking what works for them from just about any theme and making it their own!

Dirty Girls!

I got inspired a few months ago by seeing a friend's before and after photos for the Warrior Dash Mud Run. (For those of you who have never seen a Mud Run, it's an obstacle course for adults (and sometimes for kids)...you run a bit, go over a fence, run a bit, climb through a pit of mud, run a bit, slide down a big slide into a mud pit, run a bit...you get the idea.) Wait, goofy fun with your buddies sliming around in the mud!!!! I was totally riveted by the photos and psyched to give it a try. (Thank you Sabine for the inspiration!)

Now don't get me wrong, I have total respect for hard core mud racers (the hard core races can be 10 miles and involve things like barbed wire mazes and fields of live electric wires (what the bleep are they thinking???)) but those of you who know me know that I struggle with my sense of myself as an athlete. So for me the right place to start was with the entry level races which are 5k and not even timed. I don't know why but for some reason, my buddies who are actually athletic were psyched to try it with me. So we got some goofy socks, a team t-shirt and some Duck Tape (to help keep our shoes on...don't be thinking those nasty thoughts...sheesh) and off we went to the Dirty Girl Mud Run. To be honest, I was pretty spooked because I am very SLOOOOOOWWWW when I run and I HATE to be the one who holds everyone up. (Now I know you are about to say "oh I'm slow too" but everyone I've ever run with who says that is either lying to me or lying to themselves because I can't keep up with ANY of them for more than a few blocks!!!) But if my buddies were willing to go with me, I was going to swallow my fear of being the fat slow girl (again) and try it as a team.

The Dirty Girl is a 5K run for breast cancer and has about 8 or 10 obstacles (mud pits, water pits, giant slides, cargo nets, a wall to climb over, the usual). Turned out the Dirty Girl was a great starter race because the obstacles were pretty tame but big enough to be fun. The run was in the Candlestick Park parking lot with the final few obstacles actually inside the stadium which meant that we played in Candlestick Park the day before the 49ers played the Stuporbowl! (I admit it...I'm not a football fan...that's just one more sport I got humiliated by in Junior High. But I understand there are those among you who actually like watching a bunch of guys in different colored shirts running up and down some green grassy field chasing a ball that is too small to be seen on your average TV screen over and over in exactly the same manner as they did last week, and the week before, and last year, and the year before that...and I know, the StuporBowl is supposed to have "cool commercials" that are supposed to appeal to me... but really...the Bud Bowl? OK points to Budweiser's advertising team because I remember the campaign but not because it inspired me in any way...I only remember it because it was on enough and annoying enough to stick with me. But I digress...)

Analisa on the other hand was so excited to be on the field at Candlestick that she almost wet herself...but she refrained because she was actually doing a handstand on the field at the time :)

As we were rounding the last curve, muddy and wet and a wee bit chilly, it struck me: I not only kept up with my team, I was actually at the head of my team for a good chunk of the race. I was running down the final stretch thinking THIS is my thing! It was low key. It was fun! (The woman in front of me lost her tutu and was laughing so hard I almost abandoned my team and joined her on her run!) It was great exercise and it was interesting enough that I almost enjoyed the running.

For those of you who are hung up on numbers, we timed ourselves informally and it turned out we did the 5K in somewhere between 40 and 45 minutes. That was about the same time as I ran my last 5K which had no obstacles to slow me down. - Analisa claims that is because this sort of race is an interval run which allows you to run faster between the obstacles than if you just run at a steady pace over the same distance. (Ah yes... interval training which I totally prefer to just straight running in any case!)

All 5 of us got off the field and said..."can we go again?" I have NEVER felt that way about a run before. Normally I can't wait to make it stop! At last I have an inspiration for something I really want to do more of that will keep me training. I would like to move up and do some slightly more hard core races...but I think I'll have to draw the line at live electricity!

Sugary Treats

Well, it's day 31 of my attempt to lose my sugar addiction. I decided to focus on my addiction to sugary treats and I banned them from my life. I didn't worry about gluten, white flour, fruit, dried fruit, hidden sugar in my breakfast cereal, milk, carrots, celery, or any other thing you are about to bring up that totally ruined my chances of getting rid of weight or my addiction so don't even go there! I decided I could only handle one bad habit at a time and I wasn't willing to eat nothing but Kale for the next 20 years of my life...not to mention, I get hungry and when I'm hungry I want carbs...not another beet greens and spinach "shake." So I just gave up sugary treats.

In the interest of honesty you should know that I did eat 1/2 the dessert at Alex's holiday party, 2 bites of Maia's Pinkberry, and 4 bites of Ikeda's Pie. Yes, I admit, I wasn't perfect so for those of you who bask in the righteousness of your gluten-free, all fiber, no flavor, "I'm so virtuous I must be going to heaven" "lifestyles"...mea culpa...I am not in your league. But to be honest, I didn't do this so I could be holier than thou in my food choices. I did it because I read that balancing your blood sugar better will help with that crazy dip in energy that happens in the late afternoon. And I wanted to see if it was true.

 So far I have learned a few things:

 1) I miss sugar in my coffee...all day...every day...every time I smell coffee, every time I think about coffee, every time I wonder what I want to drink...I miss sugar in my coffee!!! (Wait...did you just say you think maybe it's the sugar I'm craving and not the coffee...that's just crazy talk!)

 2) I lost 4 pounds and I did it without being hungry all the time and without thinking of food day and night.

 3) 4 pounds is NOT enough to get you into your skinny pants but it is enough to make your fat pants fall off...which is just plain irritating!

 4) I don't crave sugary treats as often as I used to...but the cravings are still pretty strong...I gotta' say I get it why people need a 12-step program!

 5) Deciding to ban ALL sugary treats turned out to be easier than trying to "cut down" Apparently I am an all or nothing type of gal. Give me a few sugary treats and it is WAY harder for me to say no to the next few that come by. (Hmmm...I think I heard that somewhere before...oh yeah it was from that AA meeting I should have gone to in #4)

 6) I am more willing to give this another 30 days than I thought I would be at this point. And that's saying something.

 7) So far I still have the energy slump in the late afternoon...but it seems to be slightly less often and less severe when it does happen.

 And that's it so far. I'm thinking I will keep going with this for another little while...and if it ever gets easier (yeah right) then I'll think about another bad habit I want to break.

Snaps from the Ski Trip 2013

So I've learned over the years that I totally suck at taking photos of my Girl Scout outings. I never have a camera when I want one or I miss the action shot or...to be honest I get so involved in what I am doing I just plain forget that I own a camera even though it's hanging from it's handy dandy little strap right around my neck.

So this year I decided to take written snaps! And here you go, my top 30 (or so) moments from the trip in no particular order.

Waking up at 8:30 on Saturday to find the 6th grade girls had cooked breakfast and were laying it out on a lovely little tray! (now if I could just train them to bring me coffee in bed!)

Emma R overhearing my little dream about coffee in bed and volunteering to learn how to make coffee!

The porcupine, bobcat and mule deer tracks in the fresh snow when we arrived at the cabin.

Telling the girls that we needed to be out of the cabin early and suggesting at the Saturday evening meeting that the girls might want to get their snow stuff together for the next morning. (Seriously I actually said "I suggest you might want to...") Then going around a half hour before bedtime to tell them they might want to start gathering their stuff for the next morning only to have them ALL tell me they already did it hours ago...and they actually had ALL done it!!!

The kickfight on the living room floor with Maia, Holly, Emma M, and a couple of the other girls which I joined in. (setting a bad example I know but totally enjoying a moment of pure goofy fun!)

The look on the girls faces when I joined in!

The fact that I could let my guard down and join in without worrying that it would escalate out of control and I'd have to go back to being the barky leader.

Teaching Madeleine how to do a "pizza turn" and watching her posture change as she started at last to feel she had a little bit of control over her skis! (This was one of those moments that makes it ALL worth it!!!)

Having Daisy and Alexandra talk to me in Spanish while Belle talked to me in French and Katie looked at us all like we'd lost our marbles! (I don't speak either French or much Spanish by the way.)

A lot of laughing girls.

Watching Jayme and Yuval come screaming down the terrain park with these HUGE grins on their faces! (and yes I do mean screaming!)

Skiing with Sarah who once again proved herself to be plucky and resilient!

Watching the joy on Emma M's face as she skied for the first time (and did her 400th faceplant) A new substance to smear on her face!!!! She was one happy camper!

Clara: This hot chocolate is cold (with a totally affronted look on her face)
Me: That's because you put cold water in it...you can't blame me for that.
Me: (peeling an egg really badly) Now look what you did to my egg...This is payback for the chocolate isn't it???
Clara: Pause...little grin growing into full fledged impish smile!

Standing at the top of the terrain park with Maia and Allison for their very first time attempting it, totally unsure...and getting to be there for the moment they both decided to go for it!

Running into Ashlyn (Holly's Cousin who was with us for parts of the trip) who had given up on her lesson because it wasn't working for her and she wasn't sure if she ever wanted to ski again. Then getting to see the look of triumph on her face when she came back at the end of the day and she had managed (with the help of her dad) to conquer her fear!!

Me: Madeleine is very cerebral.

• Kerensa: What is cerebral?
• Me: It means you need to think about things and understand them before you do them.
• Leigh (my co-leader): Kind of like you Kerensa
• (5 minutes and many topics of conversation later)
• Kerensa: Perhaps I am a bit cerebral.
• (Leigh laughed so hard she snorted!!!)
• (Twice!!!)

Seeing Eden, Savannah, Jo, and Emma R head off to ski all by themselves at the top of the mountain! And having them be responsible enough to get back on time for both lunch and the end of the day!! What a long way these girls have come!

Amanda asking me if she could help pretty much every time she saw me.

The girls making up whole other Eskimo lives they were living and making snow bowls, cups, spoons and other utensils....and then ending up making "snow Rubber Duckies for the baths we (Eskimos) don't take" and "snow Heart Shaped Bowls for Valentine's Day which we don't celebrate."

Claire and her crew working so well together.

Lynn telling me she always does something that is a bit scary on my trips and she's always glad she did it!

Holly wandering through the cabin with her penguin feet because the pants I gave her were about a mile too long...and it didn't bother her at all!

Bright jumping out of the car with her carsick bag and running across the parking lot laughing and showing everyone that she threw up in the car...kind of gross, totally funny and VERY Bright! I wanted to suggest she bring it to her classroom for "Show and Tell"...but I restrained myself :)

Realizing how far we all have come together and how much easier all our trips are now that the girls are starting to understand how important they are to making them work!

As I made this list in my mind I realized that there isn't a single girl on the trip who wasn't involved in one way or another in many of these memories. And those who got left off a specific memory, it's because they were moving so fast that their faces are blurry in every snapshot I have of them in my mind. I went into this trip really exhausted from all the details and how complicated the logistics of this one were...it just didn't feel worth it...and I came out of it loving my Scouts and realizing again that although "it" might not be worth it...They are definitely worth it. And I really can't ask for more than that!

Pre-teens and Limits

OK everyone looking for a rant, look away now...it's gonna' get mushy in here!

We had our 6th Grade Cadette Girl Scout meeting this week and we were focused on Peer Pressure. One of the questions that we asked the girls was if they thought it was OK to go to a party when the parents of the kids in the house were not there the whole time. I was totally surprised to find that their answer to that question was entirely dependent on which parents knew what. They pretty much said "we think it's fine as long as the adults know what is going on and set some limits to keep us safe." I kid you not. I was floored by that!

I always heard that pre-teens (and teens) want limits but that they would never tell you that...but apparently they not only want limits, they actually know that they want limits and, if you ask them, they'll TELL you they want limits....How cool is that?

I didn't really get it how important those limits are for making our kids feel safe...but the girls sure did!

So here's my thought for the week: giving your kids really clear boundaries gives them freedom. They feel safe and that lets them go out and explore their world. Personally, I think that is something I need to learn in my own life. Maybe if I could give myself some really clear boundaries (particularly when it comes to work) I could give myself more freedom to explore my world! And how cool would that be!

Why life is like Splash Mountain

I am a HUGE Disneyland fan. I think that Disney does families better than anyone else on earth and I love the creativity and whimsy in all their rides.

On the other hand...I hate free fall. Rides with enormous long drops scare the Bejeezus out of me. So for many, many years I avoided Splash Mountain. And the longer I avoided it, the scarier it became in my head. Now normally that's not an issue because I don't give a rat's rear end about the rides in most amusement parks. If I never go on the Loopdy Loop Roller Coaster of DOOM (or whatever it's called) I can live the rest of my life quite happily. But I REALLY wanted to see the ride part of Splash Mountain...I really really wanted to. All the bits before the long drop show the tale of Bre'r Rabbit and I was totally curious about that because I don't know the story very well and I thought it would be a treat to see a lesser known Disney story come to life...

So, a few years ago, I finally plucked up all my courage, waited in the hour long line and got on the ride...to be honest I don't remember much about the inside of the ride because I was so busy being terrified of the long drop coming up at the end of the ride. And let me tell you it was AWFUL. It went on for about 6 years and I thought it would never end...I seriously thought passing out might be a great way to deal with the whole experience. And I SWORE Never again.

But fate has a way of intervening on those things you swear about...so this trip we were walking by Splash Mountain at about 9pm...it was cold so the line was only 10 minutes and Maia (who is even more scared of big drops than I am) said..."I think I want to try it."

"You ratfink!!!! I was counting on you to save me from ever having to go on that ride again...and now I have to act like I am the grown up! I HATE it when you do that to me!!!"

But I plucked up my courage again and off we went. This time though I decided that I needed to just allow myself to die during the big drop. So I rode the ride and actually saw the story and enjoyed the Disney-ish-ness and when the drop came, I closed my eyes and opened my mouth and just let go...and it was over before it even started...what was I so dang scared of???

And as we walked away from the Mountain I realized that the first time I went on that ride, I tried to control the giant drop with the power of my mind...and I know you'll be SHOCKED to hear this, but it turns out I'm not very good at mind control...the second time, I just let it be what it was and it turned out to be fun...

So here's why Splash Mountain is like life:
1) You can't control the ride with the power of your mind.
2) Even though you know the big drop is coming...you might as well enjoy the scenery along the way. The big drop won't be less awful if you spend all your time anticipating it.
3) Bre'r Rabbit is sort of classist and racist and doesn't make much sense...but it sure is colorful when you Disney-fy the heck out of it!
4) If you decide you are going to die and you are going to be OK with that outcome you gain some amazing perspective on all the little stuff.
5) I'm probably not a fun person to go to amusement parks with...I'm at the point where even I wish I would shut up, stop philosophizing and just get on the damn ride!

New Year's Resolutions

OK...let me start with the fact that I HATE New Year's Resolutions...what a stupid way to make myself feel like crap next year when I couldn't live up to the lofty goal of losing 40 lbs and becoming a star on Dancing with the Stars (or Project Runway or whatever other crap-tastic reality show I decide I can't stop drooling over this year.) Yes I am the ultimate crappy reality TV junkie...I'm at the point where if someone spent time actually writing a really good story with plot twists and character development...I just can't be bothered... What the heck happened to me? Personally, I blame Maia...after all that's why I had her...so I'd have someone to blame. Just ask her, she'll tell you!

So with that caveat, I'd like to give you a nice list of all the things I'm going to fail at this year!
1) No matter how hard I try, I won't be fitting into my skinny pants...in fact I might be upgrading to a fatter pair of fat pants...I'll let you know!

2) I am not going to beat my addiction to sugar...no matter how many AA meetings I attend...for F---s sake, they serve coffee with sugar and donuts at AA meetings...so how the hell is that supposed to help me with my addiction?

3) I am not going to stop watching crappy reality TV...no matter how crappy it is it's better than sitting here listening to the voices in my head argue about absolutely nothing.

4) I am not going to run a marathon...or a half marathon...or even a 10 K...I hate running...I only do it because it's an excuse to turn the music up really loud...which occasionally drowns out the voices in my head making fun of my musical taste (you would also make fun of my musical taste if you knew what was on my iPod -- everyone always does! Which is why I only listen to it when I am running...because then at least I have a good excuse to run away from all those people making fun of my music.)

5) I am not going to save the world, the whales, the pandas or that little blue butterfly that lives on the hill above South San Francisco and prevents the developers from getting their grubby paws on the land up there and developing it. If all goes well though, I might rescue a few worms from the gutter the next time it rains.

6) I am not going to win volunteer of the year or any other award for changing the lives of at-risk youth! I might manage to volunteer to go surfing with Maia's class in the Spring...but even that seems a bit lofty.

7) I'm not going to represent my Council at the International Girl Scouts anything... because pretty much I doubt my council even knows I exist...and if they do it's only because I annoy them with so much high-risk paperwork. (Is it me or does anyone else find it rather difficult to imagine how paperwork can be high-risk...unless your pen leaks on your shirt...or maybe you get a bad paper cut...)

8) I am not going to be a better person, rise above, or turn the other cheek. I am planning to be petty and small and hold grudges even if the only person who knows about them is me...and especially if the only damage they do is to make me feel lousy :)

9) I am not going to be a better parent, friend, sister, daughter, Girl Scout leader, Aunt, cousin, stepsister or acquaintance. I pretty much gave all I had to give this year...so if that wasn't enough...I guess I'll never live up to your high standards...which makes me feel sad...look, now I am already feeling lousy because of my New Year's resolutions...didn't I tell you that the only point of them was to make me feel bad!

10) I am not going to become a rock star, supermodel, famous actress, Broadway headliner, opera singer, musician of any kind, singer, songwriter, famous author...or any other sort of celebrity...minor or major...if you all are lucky, I might comb my hair occasionally before I go out of the house just in case I'm recognized by the checkout guy at the supermarket that I go to every day to feed my sugar addiction (see resolution #2).

And I think that's about it...hope you all have a happy healthy 2013 and please God let it be better than 2012...for everyone, everywhere!

About My Big Girl Panties

So my client asks me to fly to LA and meet with them on Thursday this week...

"Oh (nasty word) what the (nasty word) am I going to wear."

Now I know, all you ladies are with me here. You all feel the same way...but here's the thing. I sweat...a lot...which causes everyone else to say "Oh I know what you mean, I sweat a lot too." But let me just say this once "NO YOU DON'T!!! Unless you have a medical diagnosis you don't know what that means...seriously, Men Glow, Horses Perspire, I SWEAT!!!!" Grown men have walked up to me in clubs and said "Wow, you sweat a lot." People regularly ask me if I just got out of the shower...REGULARLY...not occasionally, not once in a while...all the time!

So when you tell me I'm going to have to get up at 4 am (that makes me sweaty), leave the house in the dark (it's cold and I am wet so now I'm freezing), get on an airplane (it's hot, it's cold, now I'm all clammy), get off the plane (it's cold in the airport, I'm worried it looks like I wet my pants), go to meeting after meeting in hot humid conference rooms (Can they tell I'm nervous? I think so since I just sweat my way through a blouse, a sweater, and a suit jacket in about 10 minutes. On the other hand, I'm not actually nervous...but it sure looks like I am!), leave the rooms go outside where it's freezing cold ("It's nice to meet you Mr. CEO...uh no you don't want to shake my hand, it's icy cold and soaking wet"), only to go back into a different hot steamy conference room...I think you are getting the picture. Basically if I could do that in some sort of high-tech athletic gear that wicks the sweat away I might be OK...but I can't. I have to put on my big girl panties and try to find something that will absorb the "perspiration" without it showing.

Add to this the fact that they don't make pants for girls with no butt. They just don't...and all you ladies with nice juicy round derrierres who whine because you always have to take in the waistband of your pants...(angry nasty word) you...at least it is possible to tailor pants so they fit you...YOU CAN'T take in the butt of your pants and you can't let out the waist!!!! The only place you can buy pants for someone who is square through the middle is the Junior's section...just try to find a pair of slacks for work in the Junior's section...not to mention I am too big to fit in most Junior clothing. I've only ever found 2 pairs of pants that actually look like work pants and also fit me...and when I get too fat for them or they wear out I'm going to have to retire!

So the idea of putting on my big girl panties and spending the day at a client's office in LA is just about as close to my idea of hell as I can get...

But I did it. I pulled myself together, dealt with the insomnia the night before and the meeting new people and the pants that don't fit and the sweating in the conference rooms and the splitting headache from not enough sleep...I wore my big girl panties all day and pretended the 2 hour car ride between their facilities didn't make me car sick and acted like I wasn't desperate to get back in my jammies and take a nap all day long...

And I guess it went OK because at the end of the day they said "Wow this was a great meeting, when can you come back?"

Field trips - should we or shouldn't we?

Warning: If you are waiting for me to have a good old rant about something funny...this isn't it. This is just a dump of all the angst spinning around in my head. I figured I'd put it out in the universe and then it might become homeless and forget where it used to live...and move into a shelter where some nice pastor will make sure it is clothed and fed and not a danger to itself or anyone else! (You know I don't want it sleeping in a cardboard box or anything...I just want it to move out and stop making me feel nuts!)

If you are still with me, put on your galoshes and get ready for me to take myself WAY too seriously for a couple of paragraphs...

At the beginning of the year I always have 500 ideas for field trips we should go on...but by this time in the year I am starting to feel bad about the whole schedule. It seems like for many folks the field trips are an inconvenience because they interfere with soccer or church or other family activities. The cost of some of them can be on the high side which makes some people unhappy even though there is financial aid available (that no one ever uses) and I always end up having to send a lot of email which I am pretty sure drives everyone nuts (including me by the way).

But the girls seem to love the field trips. I have a feeling the field trips are a big part of why our troop is so strong and so bonded and why everyone in the troop feels like we have something special. Plus the real reason I am a Girl Scout leader is for those moments when I get to be with a girl and watch her challenge herself and try something new. The moment I see that "Wow, I was scared and I didn't realize I could do that...but I did it anyway" look come across her face it makes my heart sing like nothing else on earth. And that usually only happens on the Field Trips. So I take them outside and I look for new opportunities for them to challenge themselves. But maybe that's just selfish because that is what I love...I just don't know... 

So let me ask you this. What would you do? Continue to plan the trips and the torpedoes be dammed? Try to take everyone's personal situation into account for every field trip (and end up in the looney bin)? Stop planning so many field trips? Only do inexpensive trips we can do during meeting times? Seriously...what would you do?

Personally I just don't know what the right answer is. 

With any luck though, I'll be struggling with this dilemma for quite some time to come...because if I am it means my troop is together and strong and we are all doing new things together (and the parents haven't tossed me out on my ear for causing too much trouble) :)

Gratitude

I am grateful for:
All the girls in my troop!
The parents who let me take their girls into the woods and into the water and into the wilderness.
The pure Power to Weight ratio that means I will never keep up with my Scouts but I will always enjoy the attempt!
The girls who encourage me.
The girls I encourage.
The times I didn't want to go on a trip (that I organized) and the fact that I went anyway!
The girls putting up with me even when I am barking.
The tween years when our kids walk so easily between serious adult conversation and playing with their Calico Critters. May they get to keep that ability for as long as possible.
The friends I've made through Scouting.
The days I've spent in the woods, trees, ocean, mountains... with my scouts.
My sweetheart who hates anything resembling organized groups and couldn't be more proud of me or more supportive of my crazy scouting schedule.
My daughter who forced me into Scouting kicking and screaming! (thanks Maia...that was the best present you ever gave me!)

I'm not sure if gratitude is a Scouting Value...but I am sure they wouldn't disapprove!
'

Project Runway

Dear Project Runway,

Please, please, please, I beg you have a Girl Scout Leader Uniform Design Challenge! We leaders work really, really hard to make the world a better place one girl at a time. We give our time, our hearts and often our money to make our troops amazing for our girls. Don't we deserve to put on our uniforms and feel fun and tough and vibrant and maybe even a little sassy? Are we not trying to teach our girls that they can indeed be strong and resilient and pretty and fun and joyful and courageous all at once?

Please tell me how I am supposed to do that when my choices of a uniform are:
1) The "I am 102 and I fade into the background" navy blue button up cardigan:

 2) The "I gave up on myself and am now just trying to hide everything" ubiquitous hoodie (XXL of course):

3) The "I am actually your Grandfather" cardigan:

4) The "I wish I was sporty but I actually have no shape at all and this shade of green is not helping" hunter green tracksuit jacket:

Seriously is there no one else out there who actually wants to feel cute and fun when they lead their troop? Why do we have to look like we gave up on ourselves a hundred years ago? And what message are we sending the girls? If you are frumpy you can be a leader but if you have any desire for any fashion give it up...because anyone who cares enough about their appearance to actually brush their hair is too superficial to make a real difference in the world.

Please Project Runway, give us a uniform that reflects the diverse, energetic, joyful, crazy, fun people that we actually are...and help us show our girls that they can do good and feel good about themselves while they do it!

Thank you!

Troop Leaders all over the US

Thieves will be Punished!

This week our big troop meeting happened to be held at St Timothy's Church (thank you St Tim's for letting us use your wonderful meeting room!). One of the projects was for the girls to make little marshmallow snowmen. The girl who organized the meeting had all the materials for all the projects and she did a great job...except that she had nothing for the girls to put their finished snowmen on. So I wandered into the kitchen of the church and found some tinfoil which I passed out to the girls.

But then later it occurred to me...I was in Jesus' house...and I took something without asking...I just stole from Jesus! I'm pretty sure I'm going to hell. I am also pretty sure that the right thing for me to do now is to confess my sins. But here's the thing, half my family is Jewish (they don't believe in confession), half my family is Catholic (I'm pretty much going to hell anyway just based on that combination) and St. Timothy's is an Episcopalian church (do the Episcopalians even practice confession?) so I don't really know who I should be confessing to... And in any case, doesn't God already know that I stole from Jesus...doesn't he see everything?

And to make it all worse, two minutes before my depraved act of thievery I had put my hand up and promised to "serve God and my country." 

So I am pretty sure that is why when the meeting finished early, one of the other leaders had this idea! "Let's take the girls for a walk around the park." That would have been a great idea except there were 18 girls, 2 adults and, by the time we cleaned up, it was dark in the park. Now personally the number one thing that turns me into a raving lunatic and might get my Outstanding Leader badge revoked is trying to keep track of a large number of girls in a wide open space....I worry that I will lose someone and I generally spend the entire time obsessively counting and recounting the girls...who by the way are usually moving at high speed and I'm never sure if I counted this one once or twice or...wait did I cout that one...Argh! now I need to recount! Now add to all of that the fact that it was dark in the park so they were even harder to spot and when you did find them they had no features!...by the end of it my cranky was off the chart, my head was spinning around, and there may or may not have been pea soup involved...

The girls on the other hand all said "that was the best part of my day!"

Death by Mosquito Lake

Now that I finally got my "I survived Dallas" Badge. I feel the need to write the story that inspired it. First let me state for the record that Dallas is the person who brought the amazing world of backpacking back into my life after a 30 year hiatus. She has been incredibly patient with me as I struggle up the trail huffing and panting while she could obviously run circles around me with a broken leg and carrying twice as much weight as I do. But she puts up with me and she continues to take me backpacking and I am incredibly grateful!

Dallas is a big time outdoorsy gal. She rock climbs, backpacks, and runs triathlons in her spare time. Basically if you can go outside and do it for the price of a wilderness permit...she's there!

So a couple of years ago when she suggested that we ought to take our Girl Scouts backpacking, I was thrilled! She suggested we go and do a recon at a great set of lakes she found in the Sierras just past Arnold. We didn't have a lot of time so the plan was to drive up early Saturday morning and hike in to the first lake, then Sunday we would complete the loop with a quick stop at the second lake on the way out. Easy peasy...right?

The day started out clear and beautiful, we drove up to the Wilderness Permit station and hopped out of the car ready to get our permit and get going! We walk in and Dallas says "We need a permit for Death by Mosquito Lake!" (the name of this lake has been changed to protect the innocent!)

Woman Behind the Desk: You know there's snow up there?
Me: Eeepppp Snow??
Dallas (in her most decisive and forceful Kiwi accent...did I mention she's from New Zealand?): Oh it'll be fine!

Woman Behind the Desk: No. You are going to lose the trail in the snow.
Me: Eeeeepp lose the trial?
Dallas: Oh it'll be fine!

Woman Behind the Desk: You do have a map and compass don't you?
Dallas: Of course we do! It'll be fine!

At this point I felt a little better because I knew for a fact that I had a compass in my backpack, Dallas and I had been looking at the map earlier on the trip, and Dallas had recently completed a Wilderness Map and Compass Course...what could possibly go wrong?

So we get to the trailhead get out of the car and are immediately enveloped in a black cloud of mosquitoes. It was July in the Sierras but it was also the wettest year in recent history. There was indeed a fair amount of snow still melting into boggy mosquito filled misery...uh I mean beautiful green grassy meadows...

Dallas: Do you have the mosquito repellent?
Me: Uhh...no..

So we put on our rain gear (which just causes the mosquitos to get pissed off and bite you on your hands and any exposed locations they can find) and headed out. Sure enough, ten minutes up the way we lost the trail in the snow. Now I have to admit that I trust Dallas. So when she said, "don't worry we'll find the trail again up ahead." I believed her. We continued on for another 45 minutes or so with no sign of anything resembling a trail...

Dallas: Let's check the map.
Me: Sounds good. Here's the Compass.
Dallas: Oh I left the map in the car...

Fortunately, she had a book with 2 chicken scratchings on it that vaguely resembled a map.

Dallas: So we just need to follow this river to the next tributary and that will lead us to the lake.

Keep in mind this was the wettest year in recent history. Water was POURING down the sides of the mountains in record amounts...so we found "the next tributary" and started following it up this steep hill. At this point with no sign of a trail and no place flat to camp, my penchant for altitude sickness kicked in (yes indeed I am the only human in history who who has ever thrown up from altitude sickness in Yosemite Valley!) Dallas takes one look at my green and miserable face and says "I'll go up to the top of this hill and try to figure out where we are." About 30 minutes later she comes back with Good News and Bad News.

The Good News: I found a great flat place for us to camp.
The Bad News: I have no idea where we are or how to get to the lake.

So she picks up my pack (Dallas you are a goddess!) and I haul my sorry carcass up the hill.

The next morning we get up and I'm feeling much better and we take a little stroll up to the top of the plateau we are on.

Dallas (in her oddly optimistic about the outdoors sort of way): The Girls would love this. See there is this wonderful flat spot we could have a great group site here!
Me: Uhhh we don't know where we are...we don't know where the trail is...we'll never find this place ever again...not to mention I'm pretty sure the our Scouts will need us to look like we know where we're going on their first major backpacking trip...but that could just be me.

Me: Well I guess we could at least try and find the lake we started out to find.
Long pause....
Me: But I'd sort of like to go somewhere where there are less mosquitoes.
Dallas: Thank God you sad that!! Let's get out of here!

Now Dallas claims we were never lost because, although we didn't know where we were, we did know that following the river would bring us back to someplace we knew. Me, I'm still pondering the definition of lost. But I do have to give Dallas her props! Aside from an excessive quantity of mosquito bites on our wrists and ankles...it was indeed fine!

Broken Throttle Cable

So I took a group of Scouts from Mountain View to Marin for a ropes course a few weeks ago. I had too many Scout Bottoms for the number of seats in the cars that were going so I borrowed a friend's larger vehicle. And of course...it broke down on the off ramp from the Bridge on the way home...just as it was geting dark...in a neighborhood I'm not familiar with...in San Francisco.

Me: Is this Triple A? My car has a broken throttle cable and I'm stuck on the off ramp to the Golden Gate Bridge with 6 Girl Scouts.

Triple A: Should I call the Bridge Patrol?
Me: Aren't you supposed to tell me that?

Triple A: Are you sure you didn't just run out of gas?
Bridge Patrol Truck Driver: Are you sure you didn't just run out of gas?
Car Owner on the phone: Are you sure you didn't just run out of gas?
Car Owner's Husband: Are you sure you didn't just run out of gas?
Triple A Tow Truck Driver: Are you sure you didn't just run out of gas?
Parents of the Girls in the car: Are you sure you didn't just run out of gas?

Me: Where do I start...

1. Yes I'm sure! I have been driving for 30 years and I know how to read a Gas Gauge!
2. No I'm not sure...maybe I did run out of gas but refilling the tank might not help all that much since the gas pedal is not connected to anything!
3. Hello!!! I'm a Girl Scout...as in always prepared...
4. Does it matter? As in you'll help us if we have a "real"problem but if we are "just" out of gas you are going to abandon us by the side of the road?
5. Why yes sireee you big strong hunky tow truck driver you...I'm just a little weak woman who doesn't even know the difference between an empty gas tank and a flat tire...why I'm lucky I know where to put the key in this big ole SUV here...thank goodness you have come to save me and all my little ones who are just as weak as kittens from hunger...

Scouts in the Car: We need to pool our resources and hunker down. Everyone get out your leftovers from lunch!

On Meeting Times

So my 6th Grade Scouts recently came to me with a request:

Scouts (out loud):
We don't have enough meetings...we like our Girl Scout meetings and we miss each other. Can we have more meetings?

Me (in my head):

1. Did you just say you want "more meetings"?? I actually have no life and I'm totally chuffed with myself because I must be doing something right for you to ask for that so I'm very psyched!
2. Oh (insert nasty word here) I am about to get it in the neck for:
1. the time we meet
2. the place we meet
3. the time the meetings start
4. the time the girls get home from the meeting
5. the necessity for them to eat dinner first
6. the necessity for them to do homework after
7. the exact dates of the meetings that don't mesh with this girl's ukelele performance and that girl's pony dressage classes.
8. the cost of junk food'
9. the nutritional value of junk food
10. the traffic on the freeway
11. the fact that so many people feel the need to commute after work
12. the price of crude oil
13. the weather patterns in North America
14. Ummm in case you think that I am the one who wants more meetings...see the opening statement above.
3. Can someone please just tell me where and when to show up? I will happily pay for my crude oil, drive my daughter through the wilds of commuter traffic, feed her whatever junk food I can find along the way, and be there on time. I will. I just don't want to have to negotiate about this anymore...
4. Pretty please!

Me (out loud): 

That sounds like a great idea...I'll make it happen  :)

On Courage, Character and Confidence

Now as I've stated in the past, I drank the Girl Scout Kool Aid. But as a leader I have to question the wisdom of the National Organization when they changed their motto from "Building Girls of Courage, Confidence and Character" to "Discover. Connect. Take Action." Personally I found those words - Courage Character and Confidence - to be aspirational. They were something I hoped I could live up to and something I was honored to try and build in my Scouts.  "Discover. Connect. Take Action." Feels like the road map for a service project. Now don't get me wrong, I understand the need for Service and I think it is very important for our kids to feel empowered to make changes in the world. But for me, Girl Scouts under the old motto was about so much more.

So I wonder why the Scouts chose this new version of itself. They took away all the badges for Rock Climbing and Surfing and Skiing and added in more badges about Cookies and Shopping. Seriously you can now get a "Savvy Shopper" badge and a "Cookie CEO" badge...as in you want my daughter to be a better shopper?!??!!! Why?

I get it that the badges that inspired me to take my girls out and help them challenge themselves physically and mentally won't change the world...but I have seen (and heard from parents) over and over  how they do change the girl...and I believe that if you change the girl, she can, and will change the world.

So why would you want to dumb down the program so it is all about Service Projects and Cookie Sales? As our society changes and our girls have more opportunity than ever before? Why would the Girl Scouts decide that they can do less...not more...

I know it sounds like I am just reactionary and don't like change...but here's the thing...when the Scouts first came out with their new program I was so excited. The old badge book was full of really great ideas and showed me a million things I could do with my Scouts....so the new one would clearly be full of more great ideas!!! I was psyched. And then I got the new materials...serious disappointment ensued...serious disappointment. But I thought "I'll give it a try. I'll trust this organization that has given me so much. I'll do this for them."...now 1 year later, I still miss the old books. I miss the old badges and more than anything I miss the old motto.

So, in the end, I choose to live with the old motto. I will jump through whatever hoops the Scouts require so I can continue leading my amazing girls...but I will do it in the spirit of "Building Girls of Courage, Confidence and Character" and if we happen to "Discover. Connect. and Take Action." along the way...so much the better!