It's time for lunch...

So I went to my doc this week for a routine check up and she gave me the standard you are getting fatter lecture. And yes it's true I've gained some weight this year (and last year...and the year before if I am honest with myself). I weigh more now than I ever have and I can't fool myself that it is "baby weight" or muscle or any of the million other reasons we give ourselves...I'm just fatter. I just am. My clothes don't fit the way I want them to and I hate getting dressed in the morning.

I've been fighting this battle since I was 13. And make no mistake it is a battle. Every morning I gird my loins with my uniform of t-shirt and baggy hoodies and the same 3 pairs of jeans (and god help me if I needed to wash my jeans because now I need to stretch them out again!). I get out my weapons... the celery sticks and the water with lemon and I pray to the gods of willpower for the strength to get through the 3-5pm slump when my enemy sends in reinforcements in the form of low blood sugar, boredom, and low self esteem.

I start out with good intentions and feeling strong...but then comes the time when I actually have to eat something...and let's face it, we all do...And that is when the PSD comes into play. The voices in my head start screeching and the battle cries of my enemy get louder and louder.
"Oh (nasty words) I'm hungry..."
"What do you want to eat?"
"Cake of course."
"Be serious would you."
"I should eat something healthy...like fruits and vegetables...but I can't eat any fruit..or any beets or potatoes or winter squash or parsnips or root vegetables..."
"Carrots?"
"Carrots are a root vegetable."
"Broccoli?"
"Maybe...but don't put any salt or butter or sauce of any kind on it. And steam it because all other methods add calories or destroy the nutritional value."
"Maybe I could have some protein...protein is good for you."
"OK but don't eat any beans or red meat or cheese or bacon or pork or dark meat from poultry or egg yolks."
"Ummm...chicken breast?"
"OK but only boneless skinless chicken breast and don't eat it fried...or baked or barbecued with any sauce, or pan fried."
"Poached maybe?"
"OK but be careful what you poach it in..."
"What about bread? I love bread."
"You can't have any bread. Bread is for skinny people!"
"Maybe I could have half a...

And usually somewhere about this time Alex says "So what should we have for dinner tomorrow?"

"Oh f-word!!!! I have to eat something tomorrow?!/!?"

My Real Christmas List

Why is it that this time of year we all seem so stressed out...all the time? Why are so many of my friends posting about bad weeks and diving into the Christmas chocolate in a frenzy of stress eating? Why do I feel so overwhelmed by the whole season?

I decided today to do something about it...so here is my list of all the things that matter to me this year.
1) I have an amazing life partner who makes my world better every day.
2) I have a daughter who feels like sunshine to me.
3) I got to go on many adventures this year with people who are fun and wacky and interesting. You all make my life better.
4) I got to wake up this morning...and today I remembered what a gift that is.
5) I spent the year healing from a wide variety of ailments...but I had amazing help, tons of encouragement, and doctors, nurses and PTs who made me better every time I worked with them.
6) I have some really good friends...from some totally unexpected places. I love you guys!
7) I have an extended family that I don't just tolerate. My life is richer because each one of you is in it!
8) I built a little business. Maybe it's not much...but I built it and I'm proud of it...and my daughter sees me as an Entrepreneur because of it. How cool is that?
9) I have enough. Enough money, enough work, enough love in my life...what else could I possibly ask for?
10) Today I do not have a headache. And every day that I do not have a headache is a good day!

Maybe your list is different. Maybe your list includes some things I forgot or is longer or shorter...but I know you have one...and I hope that your list brings you peace this season. I know mine has.

Surfing

I've missed my blog over the last few months so I've decided to start writing it again. I don't have anything profound to say today so I think I'll just go off about whatever is on my mind and hopefully you'll all have patience with me while I get back into the swing :)

OK so I am the world's worst surfer. Seriously I can barely stand up on the sidewalk forget about the tippy board rushing toward the beach at a million miles an hour. But I absolutely love it every time I do it. I love the ocean. I love getting all geared up in the wetsuit. I love that I feel like I am just playing in the waves and I come home bone weary like I've just spent 4 hours in the gym. I especially love that the first time I tried it I was 46 years old... OK I wish I'd done it sooner...but I'm proud to be the nutty old lady who is willing to get out there with the kids and give it a try.

Surfing is my kind of sport. The people who do it are a little odd (and I fit right in with that crowd!), there is absolutely nothing competitive about it...at least on the baby beaches I can surf, and you get to do it in the ocean. It's up there with my all time favorite ways to spend an afternoon...except for one tiny problem.

I have this condition called Reynaud's Phenomenon. It's nothing serious but it means I get colder than most people faster than most people and once I get cold I stay cold. My hands turn white, my lips turn blue, and I can't feel my feet...at all. I look like I have all the symptoms of hypothermia and every surfing instructor I've ever had immediately wants to haul me out of the water and pour hot tea down my throat.

I don't have hypothermia!!! I don't!! Yes I'm cold (and somewhat pathetic looking with my bright blue lips and white fingers). But if I paid attention to my Reynaud's I'd never get to ski or scuba dive or any of a hundred other pastimes that I really enjoy. So please don't make me get out of the water! I want to surf! Because someday I swear to you I'll be able to stand up on that stinking (or should I say sinking) board!

Boy Scout Policy vs Girl Scout Policy

Personally I think both the Boy Scouts and the Girl Scouts have a lot to offer our kids...but I also think both organizations have some seriously nutso policies...Here is how I sum up the differences!

"We want to go climb huge rocks!"
Boy Scouts: Have fun!
Girl Scouts: Fill in this mountain of paperwork first!

"We want to earn a badge!"
Girl Scouts: Have fun!
Boy Scouts: Fill in this mountain of paperwork first!

"We want to shoot things!"
Boy Scouts: Have fun!
Girl Scouts: Not until you are 12 and have filled in this mountain of paperwork first!

"We have a non-traditional family!"
Girl Scouts: We'll take them.
Boy Scouts: Do they violate our morality clause?

"We want to let in a child of the opposite sex!"
Boy Scouts: As long as they are straight and at least 14 go for it!
Girl Scouts: As long as they are transgender go for it!

"We want to let in a gay child."
Girl Scouts: Go for it.
Boy Scouts: Are you sure about that...ummmm...OK...but only after January 1, 2014.

"We have a gay Scout leader."
Girl Scouts: Yes...and?
Boy Scouts: No...actually...you don't!

in defense of the "Bond Girls"

So my troop sponsored a Father Daughter Dance last weekend with a James Bond theme. Needless to say it raised some controversy with my feminist friends. And, while I agree with much of what they think and feel about the portrayal of women in the Bond films, I have to say the whole controversy has made me think about the Bond Girls in a different light. 

I grew up in the let-your-armpit-hair-fly-free, body-odor-is-beautiful Republic of Berkeley...in the 70s. Of course I was a proto-feminist and I bought into all the messages I got about being a strong and independent woman. Now, don't get me wrong, I am incredibly grateful to all the women who paved the way for me to see myself as capable of anything and opened the doors for me to be whatever I want to be. But I also bought into some messages that I believe were not so healthy. Strong women, don't like pink, they don't do anything "girly", they can't be interested in fashion or makeup, and, unless you are a lesbian, any expression of your sexuality is all about men exploiting you. I know there are a lot of feminists who don't believe any of that crap but those were messages I took away from the women's movement without even realizing it. Which brings me to the Bond Girls...

The Bond Girls put on slinky dresses and go out into the world feeling beautiful and sexy and powerful. They own their sexuality and stereotypical femininity in a pretty major way. You (and I) may or may not agree with what they do with that power...but they sure own it. And thinking about it now, I envy them that. We women have worked so hard to open so many doors for ourselves in this brave new world. Do we have to shut the door on feeling beautiful and sexy in order to keep those doors open? Doesn't every woman deserve to experience herself as the most desirable creature in the room at least a few times in her life? To me it's not about men, it's about taking back our own sense of ourselves as sexual beings. It's about the thrill of walking into a room with the confidence those Bond Girls have that any man in the room (or woman if that's your preference) would take you home in a minute. Because if you ask me, the slinky dresses and the stereotypically "beautiful" figures are not what make the Bond Girls hot...it's their absolute confidence in their own sexuality.

And, while yes, I agree, that's not a particularly appropriate message for 8 year olds, I also hope when those girls are 20 they can channel their inner Bond Girl if they choose to... and use her to feel great about their bodies and in charge of their sexuality.

On the other hand, at 8 years old (ish), most of the girls had never seen a Bond film and they just liked the idea of getting dressed up in fancy dresses, shooting rubber band guns at bad guy targets and channeling their inner Secret Agents. Which just reminded me that kids are incredibly good at taking what works for them from just about any theme and making it their own!

Dirty Girls!

I got inspired a few months ago by seeing a friend's before and after photos for the Warrior Dash Mud Run. (For those of you who have never seen a Mud Run, it's an obstacle course for adults (and sometimes for kids)...you run a bit, go over a fence, run a bit, climb through a pit of mud, run a bit, slide down a big slide into a mud pit, run a bit...you get the idea.) Wait, goofy fun with your buddies sliming around in the mud!!!! I was totally riveted by the photos and psyched to give it a try. (Thank you Sabine for the inspiration!)

Now don't get me wrong, I have total respect for hard core mud racers (the hard core races can be 10 miles and involve things like barbed wire mazes and fields of live electric wires (what the bleep are they thinking???)) but those of you who know me know that I struggle with my sense of myself as an athlete. So for me the right place to start was with the entry level races which are 5k and not even timed. I don't know why but for some reason, my buddies who are actually athletic were psyched to try it with me. So we got some goofy socks, a team t-shirt and some Duck Tape (to help keep our shoes on...don't be thinking those nasty thoughts...sheesh) and off we went to the Dirty Girl Mud Run. To be honest, I was pretty spooked because I am very SLOOOOOOWWWW when I run and I HATE to be the one who holds everyone up. (Now I know you are about to say "oh I'm slow too" but everyone I've ever run with who says that is either lying to me or lying to themselves because I can't keep up with ANY of them for more than a few blocks!!!) But if my buddies were willing to go with me, I was going to swallow my fear of being the fat slow girl (again) and try it as a team.

The Dirty Girl is a 5K run for breast cancer and has about 8 or 10 obstacles (mud pits, water pits, giant slides, cargo nets, a wall to climb over, the usual). Turned out the Dirty Girl was a great starter race because the obstacles were pretty tame but big enough to be fun. The run was in the Candlestick Park parking lot with the final few obstacles actually inside the stadium which meant that we played in Candlestick Park the day before the 49ers played the Stuporbowl! (I admit it...I'm not a football fan...that's just one more sport I got humiliated by in Junior High. But I understand there are those among you who actually like watching a bunch of guys in different colored shirts running up and down some green grassy field chasing a ball that is too small to be seen on your average TV screen over and over in exactly the same manner as they did last week, and the week before, and last year, and the year before that...and I know, the StuporBowl is supposed to have "cool commercials" that are supposed to appeal to me... but really...the Bud Bowl? OK points to Budweiser's advertising team because I remember the campaign but not because it inspired me in any way...I only remember it because it was on enough and annoying enough to stick with me. But I digress...)

Analisa on the other hand was so excited to be on the field at Candlestick that she almost wet herself...but she refrained because she was actually doing a handstand on the field at the time :)

As we were rounding the last curve, muddy and wet and a wee bit chilly, it struck me: I not only kept up with my team, I was actually at the head of my team for a good chunk of the race. I was running down the final stretch thinking THIS is my thing! It was low key. It was fun! (The woman in front of me lost her tutu and was laughing so hard I almost abandoned my team and joined her on her run!) It was great exercise and it was interesting enough that I almost enjoyed the running.

For those of you who are hung up on numbers, we timed ourselves informally and it turned out we did the 5K in somewhere between 40 and 45 minutes. That was about the same time as I ran my last 5K which had no obstacles to slow me down. - Analisa claims that is because this sort of race is an interval run which allows you to run faster between the obstacles than if you just run at a steady pace over the same distance. (Ah yes... interval training which I totally prefer to just straight running in any case!)

All 5 of us got off the field and said..."can we go again?" I have NEVER felt that way about a run before. Normally I can't wait to make it stop! At last I have an inspiration for something I really want to do more of that will keep me training. I would like to move up and do some slightly more hard core races...but I think I'll have to draw the line at live electricity!

Sugary Treats

Well, it's day 31 of my attempt to lose my sugar addiction. I decided to focus on my addiction to sugary treats and I banned them from my life. I didn't worry about gluten, white flour, fruit, dried fruit, hidden sugar in my breakfast cereal, milk, carrots, celery, or any other thing you are about to bring up that totally ruined my chances of getting rid of weight or my addiction so don't even go there! I decided I could only handle one bad habit at a time and I wasn't willing to eat nothing but Kale for the next 20 years of my life...not to mention, I get hungry and when I'm hungry I want carbs...not another beet greens and spinach "shake." So I just gave up sugary treats.

In the interest of honesty you should know that I did eat 1/2 the dessert at Alex's holiday party, 2 bites of Maia's Pinkberry, and 4 bites of Ikeda's Pie. Yes, I admit, I wasn't perfect so for those of you who bask in the righteousness of your gluten-free, all fiber, no flavor, "I'm so virtuous I must be going to heaven" "lifestyles"...mea culpa...I am not in your league. But to be honest, I didn't do this so I could be holier than thou in my food choices. I did it because I read that balancing your blood sugar better will help with that crazy dip in energy that happens in the late afternoon. And I wanted to see if it was true.

 So far I have learned a few things:

 1) I miss sugar in my coffee...all day...every day...every time I smell coffee, every time I think about coffee, every time I wonder what I want to drink...I miss sugar in my coffee!!! (Wait...did you just say you think maybe it's the sugar I'm craving and not the coffee...that's just crazy talk!)

 2) I lost 4 pounds and I did it without being hungry all the time and without thinking of food day and night.

 3) 4 pounds is NOT enough to get you into your skinny pants but it is enough to make your fat pants fall off...which is just plain irritating!

 4) I don't crave sugary treats as often as I used to...but the cravings are still pretty strong...I gotta' say I get it why people need a 12-step program!

 5) Deciding to ban ALL sugary treats turned out to be easier than trying to "cut down" Apparently I am an all or nothing type of gal. Give me a few sugary treats and it is WAY harder for me to say no to the next few that come by. (Hmmm...I think I heard that somewhere before...oh yeah it was from that AA meeting I should have gone to in #4)

 6) I am more willing to give this another 30 days than I thought I would be at this point. And that's saying something.

 7) So far I still have the energy slump in the late afternoon...but it seems to be slightly less often and less severe when it does happen.

 And that's it so far. I'm thinking I will keep going with this for another little while...and if it ever gets easier (yeah right) then I'll think about another bad habit I want to break.